(ęScott Sheldon 2003)

My name is Frodo; but then, you knew that.
Hell, there's Hobbit books in every dorm from Pepperdine to Yale.
You probably smoked some dope, and then you read one.
And now you've come to Frodo Baggins to hear my side of the tale.
Have you no mercy after the crap that Tolkein said?
"One ring to rule them all"? I'd rather wring his neck instead!
But I will tell the tale, since every one of them is dead,
Those thirteen riders out to fight the Old Dark Lord of Mordor.

Fourteen Afteryule, in the Shire.
It's day's end at the Bag End and we're all half in the bag.
Then in walks Gandalf, that hack magician.
But for once he hasn't come to drink. Instead, he's come to nag.
There's this dark lord, he says, who wants that ring that's in your room.
And all you've got to do is melt it in the Mount of Doom.
The Mount of WHAT?? I says, but before I can resume,
I'm leading thirteen riders toward the Old Dark Lord of Mordor.

There was Merry, and Sam, and Pippin.
With those Chia Pets beside me, I was rightfully afraid.
With pals like Boromir, Gandalf, and Gimli,
Is it really any wonder that the none of us got laid?
But we packed our bags and headed out to Minas Trith.
Met the Gollum, who talks like Yoda with a lisp.
We went to Tudor and Fordor. I though Hatchback might be next!
We thirteen riders out to fight the Old Dark Lord of Mordor.

Saw the Dark Castle. I'd seen bigger.
And we scaled the Gates of Mordor and we beat that creep Sauron.
Now I've had my say. If you want details,
Then shell out your 14.95 at Amazon.com.
And what am I now? A two-foot troll with thinning hair.
Lost my magic ring, though I doubt anyone would care.
But back in Middle Earth, I was one of them, I swear,
Those thirteen riders out to fight the Old Dark Lord of Mordor.

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Parody of "Cold Missouri Waters" by James Keelaghan ęGreen Linnet Music.